"Souring" away.......

Hi friends!! I've been reading a lot of debatable stuff of late (Dr.Preeti, are you reading?!) and one very basic question that keeps knocking on the gates of my domain of thought is - why do some friendships wither away?? Of course, it's much the same in the case of romantic relationships too but at least that's something people warn you umpteen times about! So what really happens to a friendship that starts off so promisingly, a sure winner; but somewhere down the line, the road forks and things are never the same again? Haven't we all experienced this at SOME point in life??

Over the years, I have got to hear several insights on this. People change. Life changes. Circumstances change. "Things" change! You JUST drift apart. And by far, the worst - it was never there.

So effectively, change is the only constant! Or is it?? I can actually prepare a list of friendships having "changed" for myriad reasons.

Asha and Mihir were inseparable.....and then they separated. Priya and Ritu were childhood pals......the pally-ness (for want of a better word!) disappeared with the childhood! Arun and Pravin claimed to be buddies since donkey's years......until the burden of responsibility on their backs did them apart. Navin and Ajay met accidentally, became friends, hung around for a year - one in which both swore that they'd had fun to last a lifetime, that they'd ultimately found lifelong friendship.....it was not long and it soon became...well...lifeless!

Asha says she doesn't know what went wrong. They'd been a pair for 12 years, ever since high school, studying together, playing together, talking for hours on end, fighting and making up......something like Raj and Anjali in Kuch Kuch Hota Hai. But then once she started working, she could never devote as much time to the relationship as she used to or as she would have liked to. The fights were no longer candid. Meanwhile, Mihir was working too and he was making new friends also. The distances grew and the feelings rusted. They still meet, both married, with their own separate lives........the friendship, a formality; the memories, a treasure; the feelings, just different. "Circumstances changed"

Priya and Ritu were childhood buddies who stayed across the road and practically grew up together. As kids, they were a sight to behold - arms around each other, animated talks, their own little girlie secrets hushed into each other's ears - they were "stuck" to each other and a stranger would actually be amazed, when he saw them at the end of the day going back to their own houses, to find that they are not Siamese twins! But they chose different subjects after high school. Priya took up arts while Ritu moved to science. Their schedules never matched, their colleges were different, and they had no common topics to discuss (except the usual girlie stuff which they'd rather keep secret now). Priya also shifted home and that was the end of their friendship. They lost touch inspite of still being in the same city and one doesn't get to know about the other now! "People changed"

Arun and Pravin faced much the same scene as Asha and Mihir. Busy professionals, no time to meet up and out-of-sight-out-of-mind! They now meet at a common friend's place whenever he throws a bash and grope for topics to get them talking - that, for a twosome who could jabber non-stop on any topic (or lack of it!), whether it made sense or not. "Life changed"

Navin and Ajay met at the birthday party of a common friend, struck a conversation on cricket and simultaneously struck a friendship. But, before long they realized that they were from as different backgrounds as two people who called themselves friends could possibly be! Navin was stinking rich; Ajay was middle-class at best. Navin was the partying kinds; Ajay was into more sober stuff like reading! Navin was loud and flamboyant, Ajay was gentle and cautious. Navin was an atheist and Ajay was extremely God-fearing. In every way, they were a mismatch. But just to make it work, Ajay would accompany Navin to discos and Navin would go with Ajay to the temple. They couldn't keep doing it forever. They realized it wasn't worth it. And when they had clashes subsequently on moral issues, they called it off. Ajay says "There was nothing left in it anyway. And I wonder, if there ever was."

And then there's the case of Madhu and Diya - one was always trying to change the other. It was always "You shouldn't be doing this" or "How can you wear something like that?? It's hideous!" or "You should really change your attitude, man!" This went on until they realized that if they can't accept each other as they are and are trying to engineer each other into someone totally different, they were really doing each other a grave injustice. So they stopped trying so hard to make it work, and just moved on. "Things changed"

And then there's Aditi and Maya who both fell for the same guy.....their friendship soured for obvious reasons!

Vinod and Deepa fell for each other, and realized the friend is not the same as the partner. Misunderstanding, efforts at salvage, hope and finally, defeat!

Ranjit fell for his buddy Manju's sister and became her "jija" - the relationship changed :)!

As for me, I have myself seen a whole lot of friends drifting apart and friendships disintegrating. Though the ground reason is change, I believe it's got a lot to do with the importance you give the relationship - as in, it's significance and value in your life. The more it means to you, the more you can make it work. The more casual the approach, the more the chances of a soured relation. Plus, the chance of a misunderstanding occuring always looms large. (That is by far the worst way for a friendship to end) And you can't always make it work.

At the basest level, friendship is about accepting each other as they are, not about changing the person to become like us or the way we want him/her to be. Friendship is about being close enough to understand, but not close enough to interfere. It's about giving your opinion and advice but not imposing it upon the other. It's about giving each other space. Friendship is about expecting and anticipating that circumstances will come up that will alter your life in unpredictable ways.......but having the resolve to see it through and make it work.

Having said that, in most cases, the disintegration of a friendship is a natural process which happens with time. But friendship is about realizing this fact, understanding when things don't work and letting go if it means the best for both (like Asha and Mihir); best to part amicably if you can't remain so. Accord your friendship a priority and it becomes one.

A closing note: Friendship is like the story of a fist of sand, that we have heard so many times before. You hold it too loose and it flows, you try to close your fingers around it and it pours out through the gaps. But you hold it just loose enough to stand and just tight enough to seal the gaps and see how it settles into your cupped hands.

Disclaimer: Names in this article have been changed to protect the identity of friends who'd reach for my throat if they see their "real" names on this blog...and so to prevent my friendship from "souring away"!!!!

Waiting for your take! Till next time, from slo, it's Tally-ho!