"SERIAL" KILLERS

There was a time when there were two or three channels on TV and the same programmes were followed religiously in most households…...they were common grounds for discussion at family and social gatherings……..everyone knew the characters as if they’d grown up together…..the actors were often lost in the shadows of the characters they played……….

Years passed…………

You’d think things changed……….

They did………

The number of programmes increased!

You’d think people got bored…….

But they didn’t…….and they stuck by their favourite shows and directors and characters.

They’d lap up all the twists and turns that were flung at them……Housewives were prime targets……they’d watch their “soaps” throughout the day……..and discuss them at length with the neighbourhood aunties in the evenings……….For some time watching the “serials” were a family pastime…..until it became fashionable for youngsters to say “I wouldn’t be caught dead watching that crap”……and then the household viewership of the serials started dwindling as reality shows and game shows became more “IN”.

But some loyalists always remain. As time passed….plots became more and more…..errr intriguing (to put it lightly), absurd (to say it as it is). But even today, satellite channels dish out programmes by the dozen and some things still haven’t changed………..actors are still remembered by the characters they play, the “believability quotient” has bottomed new depths, missing an episode still means missing out on a million-dollar segment of a masterpiece script and rantings and complaints still don’t dislocate the loyalty of devoted viewers!

So here’s to our soap operas that till date are the mainstay on television sets of scores and scores of Indian households……here are a few things that you’ll only get to see on these mega “serial” killers………..

1) Homes larger in size and greater in grandeur than Buckingham Palace

2) Families larger in size and richer in wealth than a medieval princely state

3) Festivals and marriages at the drop of a hat

4) No concept of home-wear………..make-up (popularly referred to as “pancake”) that would put a Miss Universe aspirant to shame seconds before she sets foot on stage…..characters all dolled up in designer-wear when all they have to do is cry…..

5) Plastic surgeries for fun

6) Father today at 40, grandfather tomorrow at 60, great-grandfather day after tomorrow at 80……looking exactly the same

7) Same for mothers, grandmothers and great-grandmothers

8) Generation gaps that don’t show (how would they if you were playing your similar-in-age-co-star’s mother-in-law?!)

9) Domestic rivalries that would make a world war seem like a triviality

10) Glycerin bottles spent in gallons

11) Plots and sub-plots and sub-sub-plots and………

12) Background music that would make the following scene seem like impending crisis (here, I simply HAVE to mention a scene from a serial that used to be aired about 12 years ago…….the lady protagonist making her bed lets out an deafening shriek and the episode ends……to reveal a cockroach on the bed in the following episode……by far one of the most hilarious scenes I’ve ever witnessed)

13) Unabashed exchange of romantic relationships between the battalion of protagonists……with one today and another tomorrow – making permutations and combinations easier to explain!

14) Advertisements – food products, cosmetics, movies – name it and they are all right there……no no not in the commercial breaks…in the very heart of the serial…marketing made easy!

15) Leaps and bounds (in years and decades) – presumably to give a push to an otherwise stagnant story line – often only serving to complicate matters by bringing more characters and an increasingly digressing script

16) Villains remain villains……vamps remain vamps…………social crimes and corporate hanky-pankies make for a chatpata plot…….good people continue to be exploited (because most of them are also dumb!) and the extras prance around like part of the wallpaper.

17) Separations and reunions………..amidst much fanfare

18) At least one poor little creature who’s always the butt of jokes………..usually rotund….it helps if he has a lisp…..helps even more if he can do a stupid jig on impulse. Helps also if he is attached to the household pet which could be anything from a puppy, a kitten, a hamster, a pigeon, a parrot, a squirrel, a horse, an elephant…………

19) One central character without focusing on whom no episode can end (usually the one who becomes synonymous to the serial itself – and seldom ever remembers herself by her own name by the time the serial comes to a close…….if ever!)

20) And last but not the least – the over-glorified, almost worshipped creators of such serials without whom the telly industry would crash in a single day………its not innovation or wealth or talent or knowledge…..just plain old business sense……..

The USP of Indian serials lies in their ability to exaggerate the colourful Indian culture, lace it with a bit of spice and masala and present it to the viewers each time with simply a different packaging………..The USP of its makers lies in their ability to do just that.

No opinions here as “I wouldn’t be caught dead watching any of that crap anyway” (!!!) but the stronghold that these soap operas have on the Indian television industry has always been a pet topic of mine to take potshots at……………

The above list as always is not exhaustive……..additional interesting observations are always welcome…….after all on this blog, it’s all about sugar AND spice!

So till next time……from slo – it’s Tally-ho!